Svaha! – a light ontology of the institution of marriage.

Words from a happily married.

In the opening wedding scene on Mo Yan’s Red Sorghum, the bride was carried on a sedan chair to the groom’s house to consummate the marriage. Traditional Chinese wedding music played along the way, which Mo Yan reckoned was comparable to funeral music, as if the road to marriage was a road to the afterlife. It was an age, after all, when marriage arrangements were by order of the family instead of according to free will, leading to possible tragedies or non-tragedies.

Some things of those ages are still telling in modern society. For one, wedding celebrates the union of the individuals, boy and girl, man and wife (as the saying goes, but why can’t it be husband and lady?) in a single (hopefully for most) once-in-a-lifetime moment in life. But behind the scenes it has always been a family affair, with the not so invisible hand pointing at familial preferences attuned to cultural requirements. Beyond a union of the individuals, it is a meta-union of the families, who may or may not connect and could be the source of lifelong bittersweet grievances to come in abundance over the years, or perhaps, more often than not, they rarely unite again beyond initial encounter.

It is no surprise therefore that wedding, though meant to have a happy and at times grandiose outlook, at least at the surface, always comes with cloves of sadness, which in most cases further accentuates the happiness. Sadness and happiness is always relative, depending on the role that is played. Wedding signifies the entry into a union, the flip side is a departure from a previous tighter one, one that is connected by blood and flesh, one with one’s parents. The glamour of receptions often plays contrast to the sadness that in fact penetrate throughout a marriage – rituals so pronounced and personally experienced. Behind the smiles in photos, mellowness is hidden in the subtlety of rituals that some may find a bit arbitrary. Mother of the groom, for one, is not allowed to partake in the actual wedding, a fact that can be interpreted as she would try to stop the ceremony from proceeding out of sorrow of the groom’s departure, adding gloom over the sacredness of the marriage.

Sanctity – the word that underlies the meta part of the union. It is the cornerstone of all rituals to which we must so strictly adhere. Metaphysical element in the bonding of couples can be found everywhere. Svaha – the only word I remember from repeating Sanskrit mantras so rhythmically pronounced by the priest in a slightly nasal pitched voice – accompany the Saptapadi or vows in the presence of fire and a priest, connector between the mundane and the divine. In my motherland, couples have traditionally bowed (really meaning kowtow, head touching the floor) to heaven and earth (I always find heaven and earth as a translation of 天地cannot be clumsier, but for lack of a better one), followed by bowing to the family and ancestors, the central unity that bonds people and motherland together. And in monotheistic religions, “marriage is not a purely human institution” as articulated by the Catechism of Catholic Church, and instead implies a somewhat divine unspoken greatness, that seems to be inborn and expressed the very fact of existence of the two sexes of humans.

It is not easy to wrap a non-religious rational mind around the sacredness of a marriage, yet its appeal seems to transcend across cultures, though perhaps in a slightly declining manner in modern day, as divorce becomes more commonplace. In the modern secular world, marriage is entry into a legal contract (that also has its religious roots). Beyond upholding the secret greatness of the union, marriage and likewise a civil union guarantees rights and responsibilities of the couple toward each other. It serves as a form of protection in a way, and therefore some think it’s really a piece of paper that can be discarded – living together sharing a same life is enough they say.

Yet, there is value and beauty in a socially constructed institution such as marriage, namely the lifelong commitment and promise to one another, which in a world of increasing connectivity and distractions is ever scarcer. It is about giving word to one another, to construct a shared life and livelihood, to walk through easy and challenging times together down the road. It therefore requires endurance and thereby must overcome the fear and uncertainty that naturally arise in life. One will always be uncertain of what will come in life, or have yet unfulfilled dreams that are supposed to be realized somewhere down the road. Sharing a life with another will mean certain sacrifices and compromises, enduring hardships and hard work, which probably is not everyone’s cup of tea. But precisely this further accentuates the beauty of a marriage, laying foundations for a support system in which two (or more for some) people complement each other to drive further each other’s personal development.

From divine institution, to order of the family which underlies the fundamental unit of societal composition, to a heartfelt commitment between individuals, wedding and marriage have come a long way. Arbitrary elements may have lost influence over time, but the institution remains fundamentally social, that has impact and is influenced by those around the couple. To apply it in workplace jargon (raison d’etre for many in a neoliberal age), wedding is in itself a massive project that requires apt project management with Gantt charts and tight deadlines and compromises which lead to expected results. Marriage subsequently becomes lifelong stakeholder management, not for the faint-hearted. Lead-up to a wedding is the first true test on a couple’s foundations, on whether it is solid enough to transcend familial and cultural differences. It sometimes involves accepting harsh realities, failing to meet a social or cultural norm yet satisfying your partner’s, or decision on who to be involved. It is also the presentation and packaging on the subset, of compromise of how much pride is to be shown to those who come and congratulate, which does not always carry same value among different souls. More pride = more jealousy. Hence wedding requires also investment, amount of which depends on the project steering committee, where returns of investment is measured by intangible feelings of pride, satisfaction, blessings, and perhaps the more tangible number of likes on social media.

In a metaphor widely circulated, life is like a train ride. One is brought on by two passengers, and along the way more passengers will join at different stops, and original passengers will at some point leave. Wedding is a train station, a colourful one in its décor, but not always the most glamorous in its construction. Keep in mind the passengers who have brought you on, know whom you will take on the ride and welcome them, and try your best to balance their needs. But in the end, it is the commitment to one another that matters. Let not marriage down the tracks be fixated on who brought you on, or how the train stop was, and look forward the many train stops ahead where you are driving its course.

Wishing, for those who would like to be wished, to a happy married life.